i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
