After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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