you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
