So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
