I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize