nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
