hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
