I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
