never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
