Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
