i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
