So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
