tonight lets celebrate not being married
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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