Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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