just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize