Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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