You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
