Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
