Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
