I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
