I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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