New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
