Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
