Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
even my farts smell like vagina
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm like, not good at living.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
