At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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