Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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