I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
