It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
