I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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