mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
