My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
