at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
