Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
