I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
