Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
