Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
