o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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