While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
