on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
