I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
