Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
