WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
How's work?
Spinning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
