I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
