She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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