Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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