I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
