Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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