Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
