My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
