i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
