I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize