She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
