He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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