he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
