i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
