It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
